


a new kind of blue

by writingwannabe



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Friends to Enemies, Instagram Stories, M/M, Moving On, Moving Out, New era, No cheating, Post-Dan and Phil World Tour 2018: Interactive Introverts, Secret Crush, Tinder, dan works behind a bar, post tour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-01-23 15:08:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 19,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18552259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingwannabe/pseuds/writingwannabe
Summary: After almost ten years of bottling up his romantic feelings for his best friend, Dan decides he can go on no longer, and after confessing all, he decides that in order to move on with his life, he must move away from Phil and attempt to start life as an individual rather than one half of a double act.In which Dan is a hopeless romantic and Phil doesn't know what to say.





	1. Chapter 1

Opening the twitter app never resulted in anything good, but Dan scrolled through his mentions regardless, a melancholic smile fluttering over his chapped lips as he read the excited tweets. The merch team had posted some ‘behind the scenes’ footage from Phil’s latest photoshoot, and the couple of seconds of ‘natural’, breezy conversation between the pair seems to have lifted the morale of the entire fandom. Almost the entire fandom. 

Dan hated the lies. In the beginning, it was fine. More than fine. The build up to Dan and Phil’s first day together was full of late night video calls, and every interaction between the pair was laced with flirtation, private or not. That week at Phil’s childhood home was the same. They held hands on the Manchester eye and watched the city go about its business beneath them utterly oblivious to the small revolution happening in Dan and Phil’s little pod. That week was perfect, although somewhat restrained. There was an undeniable electricity between the two, but Phil seemed keen to ignore it, so Dan did the same. 

The V-Day video really was supposed to be a prank on their audience. Phil had filmed it as a surprise for Dan, whilst he was on a family trip to India, thinking he’d be amused by the ridiculousness, laugh at their audience’s conviction that they were a couple and see it as the joke it was supposed to be. For Dan, however, it was as though Phil had taken every major moment of more-than-just-platonic-friendship between them and slapped Dan in the face with it. Upon seeing it, Dan’s tears flowed so rapidly that he had no chance to hide them, and although they never specifically spoke about their cause, that wretched video was never meant to be made public. 

When it leaked, the distance between Dan and Phil, the appearance of ‘no-homo-Howell’, was not just for the camera, not just to prove to the audience that their beloved ship wasn't real. Dan really didn't care what the viewers thought. If anything, he enjoyed their speculation, loved knowing that there really was some spark between him and Phil, that it wasn't just his imagination. No, the separation of the two was for Phil’s benefit. Clearly he could tell that Dan had some deeper feelings for him, and clearly he didn't feel the same. Dan would do anything to avoid ruining their friendship, so he drove himself mad hiding the truth. 

His mental health had never been consistently decent, but the bottling up of his feelings had gradually taken its toll until Dan could simply no longer go on without making a major change. 

After tour, they carried on as normal for a little while, but then had discussions about the future. Their future. They both, somewhat sadly agreed that pinof had to come to an end, and made sure the last was a tribute to all that had changed since that first week up North at Phil’s. They brought the gaming channel to an acceptable close with the rounding off of their sims’ stories, calling it a hiatus, but knowing deep down it was an ending. 

Dan meant to speak to Phil. He really did. But all too soon, Christmas was upon them and Phil had travelled to see his family. Dan was leaving a few days later to visit his own folks, and spent the time alone pacing agitatedly, barely able to sleep. He wrote a letter, pouring out his heart, explaining all the repressed feelings, right back to how badly he wanted Phil to kiss him on the Manchester eye, all that time ago in 2009. He wrote and wrote until he was empty, explaining how every moment together was torture, how they were 27 and 31 years old now, and it was time for them to properly settle down, and time for Dan to move on. 

Phil never acknowledged the letter. When Dan returned to their apartment to pack his things and take them to his new flat, he helped him split their belongings, dividing all their knick knacks which had become shared over time, belonging to them both as a pair rather than either separately. The boxes which Phil had helped to pack remained unopened in an extra cupboard at Dan’s flat, containing memories he would rather avoid the pain of thinking about. 

Their interactions were organised, their decade long friendship crumbled into polite business exchanges and staged outings. Phil kept posting videos, more frequently and even of a better quality than before, as if Dan’s absence was positive for him. He’d stayed in their apartment for a while, before moving up North to a fancy Manchester penthouse. He was thriving, but Dan was only just about surviving. 

That little merch photoshoot had happened almost a month and a half ago, and he’d known it was being filmed, but the snippet of video on the merch company’s instagram story was overwhelming. And now he was caught up in a spiral of fan theories, hopelessly reading about their hopefulness for the next era of Dan and Phil as he sat alone in a cold, single bed studio flat, scrolling through his phone with crusted tears on his cheeks when he could have been in their old apartment, with Phil, restricted, but happy enough. 

He’d really thought that moving out would equal moving on, but he couldn't have been more wrong. He deleted the twitter app from his phone and downloaded tinder in its place. He couldn't live like this anymore. It was time to move on, even if that was the last thing he wanted to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This fic is kind of sad, but if it goes as planned, it should have a happy ending and be pretty fluffy once all the angst is out of the way..


	2. Chapter 2

Swiping had become a regular habit, stilted conversations never having any sort of real connection. He was recognised a few times, then reported for being a catfish. Tinder reached out to him about verification, so that app was swiftly deleted as well as the account. 

Clearly the internet wasn't going to help him move on. That realisation came after several days of laying face down on the floor. Phil wasn't around anymore to help him up at times like this, so Dan eventually peeled himself up off the floor and took a cold shower, pretending his tears were a part of the water flow. 

He needed a purpose, but wasn't ready to properly face his viewers. His and Phil’s viewers; they were one and the same, and he couldn't do anything if it involved Phil. He needed separation. 

He decided to get a job, because it would come with a schedule and a routine, and there’s comfort in a routine when without it you have nothing. 

After pulling on a black t shirt and skinny jeans, he headed out in search of something to throw himself into. 

His local coffee shop had nothing to offer him, but he refused to feel defeated, turning to a quaint little pub a few streets over. He hadn't been before, but was greeted by a warm atmosphere as he stepped inside, music playing softly and a group of twenty-somethings playing a board game in the corner. He smiled over at them, unnoticed, but strangely content. 

The guy behind the bar shook his hand and they had a chat about getting Dan a job. After only a few minutes, Dan was behind the bar, being shown the different taps and how everything worked. He was going to start that evening. 

He returned to his apartment with a smile on his face, feeling productive and independent for the first time in what seemed like forever. 

Later on, before he left for work, he took a selfie in his bathroom mirror and posted it on his twitter and instagram (deleting his social media apps was never going to last long). 

The comments were overwhelmingly good, many people noticing his smart button up shirt and painted nails, the genuine smile, but also the bathroom they’d never seen before. Countless ‘Forever home?! Asdfghjkl’ comments sprung up, but Dan ignored them, liking and replying to more than usual about how he was feeling (all positive) and when there would be a new video (when he was ready) as well as a load of compliments. 

He arrived at the pub looking radiant, a spring in his step. The same guy from earlier, Jack, who turned out to be the owner, was still behind the bar and greeted him with a quick smile and “Hello” before sending Dan to the kitchen to help the chef. 

The two of them fell into easy conversation, and any worries Dan had about making a good impression soon fell away. He was only chopping veg and doing runaround jobs, but he was having fun, and could barely keep the smile off his face. 

“So,” Mike, the chef, asked eventually, “What brought you here?” Dan swallowed, having already make the decision to not talk about his several million online followers. He shrugged. 

“I’ve been in need of some routine. Went through a bit of a rough breakup and thought this would help me get back on my feet.” It’s not even a lie. Maybe him and Phil were never actually a couple, but they had broken up. 

“Sorry to hear that, mate. Good for you though.” And the conversation moved on, no questions asked. 

Later that evening, Dan moved out to front of house, serving some of the food he had helped to prepare and chatting to the customers, something which may have caused him anxiety, but this day, only further boosted his mood. 

At the end of his shift, he stayed for a drink and got talking to some patrons who seemed about his age. Twenty seven was more mature than Dan had given it credit for. These people had proper jobs, some of them had long term relationships. They were by no means people Dan would class as sophisticated adults, but they did seem to have their shit together. Conversation moved to more niche topics, and Dan was excited to hear they had some shared interests. Surely enough though, the focus soon settled on him, the new face in the group. 

He shared that he’d recently had a tough breakup, that it was with a man, that they had been together for almost ten years. They were clearly interested, but Dan made it obvious that he wasn't over it, and they didn't press. They then asked about his career, and he confessed that he was a university dropout, which got a couple of understanding laughs. He bent the truth a little and told them that he was a freelance video editor, which wasn't necessarily a lie, just not the entire truth, but that he wanted the stability of a job like this one in the pub. They were interested by his unusual occupation, but not to the extent that Dan felt uncomfortable. 

By the end of the night, he had three new contacts in his phone: Emily, Tristan, and Jude. They promised to meet again soon, and Dan learned that they were regulars to the pub, smiling widely as they hugged goodbye. 

The walk home only took about ten minutes, and after changing into some pyjama bottoms, Dan slipped into bed with a small smile resting on his lips. He’d proved to himself that he didn't need Phil. 

But then he opened his twitter app and saw a direct message from Phil, and the smile slipped into a frown. He turned off his phone without opening the message and lay awake in bed for a few hours before falling into a restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m enjoying writing this ahh i hope you like it! also, there’ll be phil content soon i promise


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, his head hurt a little, out of practice, but was easily fixed by swallowing a couple of painkillers.

The pain that wouldn’t go away was the knowledge of the unopened message sitting in his twitter DMs. Dan made himself breakfast and sat on the edge of his bed to eat it, deciding that he must face up to Phil at some point, so he might as well get it over with.

Phil Lester: You look happy

Phil had sent the message along with Dan’s selfie tweet. What does that even mean? Dan was normally so in tune with Phil that knowing his intentions and spotting any undercurrents was second nature, but for this, Dan was clueless. Was it passive aggressive? Genuine? He had no idea, so decided to take it at face value.

Daniel Howell: thanks. i am

The message was read almost immediately, and the three dots appeared on Dan’s screen to show he is typing out a response. Those dots seemed to stay there forever.

Phil Lester: Maybe we should meet up? I’m in London tomorrow & staying for a while

Daniel Howell: i’m busy tomorrow but maybe after that

Phil Lester: Oh. What are you doing?

Daniel Howell: working and then out with freinds

Daniel Howell: *FRIENDS smh

Phil Lester: Alright. Thursday then? Are you filming a video?

Daniel Howell: thursday should be ok. idk, just doing work stuff

And with that, Dan turned off his phone, and as desperate as he was to keep talking to Phil indefinitely, he was pleased that he’d kept the conversation light, reminding himself with every second that he was getting over Phil and shouldn’t run straight back to him like he desperately wanted.

Dan posted on his instagram story that day, a snapshot of a dog he saw in the street when out at the shop, and then again later, of the meal he made for tea.

Soon enough, it was Wednesday evening, and time for Dan to go out to work. He pulled on a different smart black shirt and dress trousers which were almost jean-like. His nails were somewhat chipped at this point, so he went over the matte black with a clear polish flecked with silver glitter, taking a photo of his right (neater) hand and posting that too on his story.

His shift passed quickly, the friends he’d made before arriving half an hour before he finished; they saved him a seat at their table, so he joined them once he was done, happy that the slight fabrication of the truth he’d given Phil wasn't a falsity.

They fell into easy conversation, them on their second drink and Dan on his first, although Dan caught up quickly. After forty minutes or so, Jude went outside for a smoke and Dan followed him, accepting when he was offered a cigarette of his own. He hadn't smoked in a few years, and had only ever done it socially, but held in his cough and exhaled smoothly.

The two of them got talking, and Dan wasn't sure which of them stepped forwards, but they ended up closer than before, their shoulders pressed together.

“Your ex must have been blind.” Jude muttered, after a moment of silence.

“Hmm?” Dan mumbled back. Jude bit his lip, his gaze clearly focussed on Dan’s own.

“You’re amazing.” And he closed the distance, bringing their mouths together with a soft ‘ahh’. There was a split second of hesitation, but then Dan reciprocated, pulling Jude close and smiling into the kiss.

They returned to their friends’ table a few minutes later, lips red and hair tousled. The others rolled their eyes when they saw the state of them, and they only had one more round before deciding to call it a night. Jude grabbed hold of Dan’s hand as the others left, a question falling from his flushed face.

“Come to mine?” Dan nodded wordlessly and squeezed Jude’s hand.

Nothing happened. Not really. They went back to the apartment, which wasn't too far at all from Dan’s own, made themselves comfortable and kissed each other softly.

“You’re sad,” Jude whispered after a few minutes. He pulled back and saw Dan’s glassy eyes, taking his hands and holding them gently, a few moments later getting up to make a cup of tea. “Your ex,” He said once he sat down again, handing Dan one of the two steaming mugs. Dan’s head dropped, his voice small as he answered.

“Yeah. But also no.” His shoulders hunched, and he swiped the back of his hand roughly across his face. Jude wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close.

“Want to talk about it?” Dan peered up, blinking past tears as he shook his head, then shook it, then shrugged.

“He’s not even my ex. I just-”

“Hey,” Jude cut him off, his voice soothing and warm, “You don't have to explain anything to me. Tell me whatever you want. I’m here for you.” And with that, Dan’s last barriers broke, and the wall of tears he’d kept in for goodness knows how long spilt out onto Jude’s comforting shoulder.

“We met online and we were so disgustingly flirty, and we’ve practically never left each other since then - this was 2009, for context. We’ve lived together in three different apartments, and everyone thinks we’re together, and I wish we were, but he doesn't. He goes along with it to a certain extent, for their sake, but he doesn't feel like I do. We’re just friends to him, but living together was too much so I wrote him a letter and then moved out because I couldn't keep going. Seeing him drives me insane because I can picture what we could have together, and then see the reality, which isn't that different except for our relationship status.” Dan’s entire speech tumbled out from somewhere inside him without a breath. Jude paused for a moment, considering his words before answering.

“Jesus, Dan. Ten years with this guy? He pretends you're together? Who does that? Why don't you just tell people you're not?” Dan’s head fell into his hands, more, heaving sobs escaping his body before he can speak again.

“If only it were that easy. They need the possibility of us being together. It would crush them otherwise.” Jude shook his head at this, but Dan’s head remained firmly in his hands, unseeing.

“Who are these people? They don't seem like good friends if they depend on a fake relationship.”

“It's not a fake relationship. We don't confirm or deny anything, just let them speculate.”

“Can you cut them out? It seems like they’re making all this so much harder for you to move on from.”

“They're literally my whole life. I care about them so so much, I just-”

“Okay, Dan. Look.” He softly grasped Dan’s face and positioned it so the two of them could make eye contact. “You're not making sense. Who are these people?” Dan’s face crumpled and he shook his head, pulling out his phone and opening google.

“Please don't make me say it,” He whispered, handing his friend the phone. Jude took it, confused.

“Google only tends to give you answers if you search something,” He quipped, quickly followed by “I don't understand how this is supposed to explain things though.”

“He’s called Phil,” Dan whispered. “Google ‘Dan and Phil’. I’m just going to go to the bathroom.”


	4. Chapter 4

Dan returned five minutes later to the sound of his most recent video, ‘We Gave The People What They Wanted’. Jude glanced up at him, expression unreadable. His eyes flicked back to the video, which he paused. 

“Your upload schedule is pretty shit, mate.” Dan exhaled as a weight he didn't even know he was carrying fell from his shoulders. He sat back down on the sofa and bit his lip, looking over at Jude hopefully. 

“I’m - this is a lot, I appreciate that. If you have any questions or anything, I’ll answer them.” Jude closed the space between them on the sofa, resting his hand on Dan’s as comfort. 

“You guys really went on a worldwide tour?” Dan nodded, laughing a little as a couple of tears trickled down his face. 

“Twice,” He swallowed, squeezing Jude’s hand, “That one finished in September and was way bigger though.” 

“What did you do? Do you sing or something?” 

“God,” Dan pulled a face, “I don't even know how to explain - we did sing, yes, but it was basically games and challenges and stories that the audience could get involved with? It was really fucking fun, but exhausting at the same time.” Jude blinked, 

“When I think of youtuber tours - wait, you are a youtuber right, like that’s your job?” Dan nodded. “Anyway, when I think of youtuber tours, I think of crappy Q&A shows used to drain fans of their money.” He paused, “Shit, sorry, that wasn't how I meant to phrase that.. I’m just a bit overwhelmed I guess. Your thing, and that trailer video, it looks really cool, not what I would expect of a youtuber tour. Shit, I’m digging myself into a hole here, I’m just gonna stop talking.” 

“Yeah, it is my job, but I’m working in the pub now, and I do some other stuff too.” Dan made the decision not to bring up his charity work involving the Prince. If Jude was already overwhelmed, that might just be a step too far. “And yeah, to be honest, some youtuber tours are pretty crappy, but me and Phil - Phil and I - we wanted to do something kind of special for our audience? I think it worked; they all seemed to have a good time.” 

“Dan, this is so cool, what the heck? I just wanna binge watch all your videos now.” Dan blushed, 

“Oh God, that’s so embarrassing. Thank you for being cool about this though. I really appreciate that.” Jude shook his head, 

“What am I supposed to do? Freak out and ask for your autograph?” Both of them laugh, “You're still Dan, it’s just… a shock.” He shook his head again, smiling. “Anyway, back to Phil. I read some stuff about you guys before watching that video - you're in a pretty unique situation my friend, and my limited relationship advice doesn't really cover this… Are there videos of the two of you together I can watch to gage your dynamic a bit?” He pulled a face, “That sounded so official, eww.” Dan smiled, although it didn't quite reach his eyes. 

“We had a joint gaming channel, but we film together a lot anyway… I’ll find you a recent one.” He pulled up ‘What Dan and Phil Text Each Other’, pushing play and sinking back into the sofa, cringing a little at watching himself with Jude present, missing Phil more and more with each passing second. 

“And you're sure you guys were never more than friends?” Jude finally said when the video was over. Dan pocketed his phone, grimacing a little. 

“We were always more than just friends. It wasn't ever romantic though… or... anything like that. We just had some weird connection. I miss him so much, fuck.” Tears began to fall from somewhere deep inside Dan. He hadn't realised there were any left to cry, but they flowed thickly until Dan felt drained, curled up inside Jude’s arms, tiny. 

“When are you next seeing him? You need to talk about this. If he acted like that with you, he’s got to have some feelings too Dan, that can't have been false.” Dan sniffed loudly, choking out his next words. 

“Tomorrow. I’m seeing him tomorrow.” And he buried his head into Jude’s side, drifting off into a sleep so deep he wasn't woken by Jude’s movements to stand up and take Dan’s phone to charge it, or the blanket tucked softly around him. He didn't dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! sorry this is kind of a short chapter but it's important for the development of Dan and Jude's friendship and is an important step for Dan to take in opening up to people. updates might be kind of infrequent over the next couple of weeks as i have exams but after that i should be posting pretty regularly :) thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

Dan woke to Jude shaking his shoulder softly, the smell of coffee filling his sleepy nostrils. The night before rushed back into his consciousness and he sat up, pulling his new friend into a tight hug, careful not to knock the mug he was holding. Jude pulled back, pushing the coffee into Dan’s hands and smiling softly. 

“I’ve got to go to work soon,” Dan took a long drink, nodding, 

“Of course, sorry, I’ll get going. Thanks for the coffee.” Jude sat beside him on the sofa, their legs touching, 

“We’ve got half an hour. You're good.” 

“What do you do for work? I feel so shitty, not even knowing that.” 

“I’m a graphic designer. Graphic design is my passion.” Dan chuckled at that, smiling down into his coffee. He looked up; Jude’s dark eyes were sparkling, his curly hair perfectly tousled in a way Dan could never achieve. 

“I like you a lot, Jude.” The sparkle faded a little then, and Jude bumped his shoulder into Dan’s.

“I like you a lot too, Dan. We could have been good, but this isn't the right time.”

“Phil,” Dan agreed softly. Sadly. 

“No man is that good at acting,” Jude whispers. “Where are you meeting him?” 

“Shit. I don't know.” 

“Talk to him, okay. Whatever you guys have is worth saving and then some. I’ve got to go to work, but you’re gonna be great, Dan.” Jude kissed Dan’s curls and the two of them walked outside together, parting ways once they reached the pavement with a slightly longer than usual hug and a whispered, “I’m watching all your videos tonight,” from the former. 

Dan went back to his tiny, cold apartment, which he couldn't bring himself to call home, showered and got dressed in ripped black skinny jeans and a pastel pink sweater with black piping. He redid his nails, all black except for the ring fingers, which were clear glitter with flecks of pink. He took colour coordination seriously. And he was procrastinating. 

It was when he found himself staring at his limited cleaning supplies that he finally pulled out his phone and opened up Phil’s contact, texting him an address and a time. 

Ten minutes later, Dan found himself in a cozy but quiet cafe, nursing his second coffee of the day and staring at the door. He was early, which was unheard of for him, but only by five minutes, so Phil shouldn't be long. He took a photo of his hand wrapped around the coffee cup, nails purposely visible, and posted it on his instagram story, then busied himself with scrolling through twitter, only looking up when the bell above the door rang. 

Their eyes met and Dan instantly wanted to cry. 

His Phil was standing before him, quiff ruffled and eyes red, swollen from lack of sleep. He got himself a coffee before joining Dan at the table, and Dan noticed his hands were trembling as he brought his drink to his lips. In contrast, Dan was calm. He was well rested and put together and prepared for whatever shit storm he was about to face. 

“Hi, Dan.” Phil was the first to speak, and his voice croaked when he did. 

“Hello, Phil.” Dan replied. 

“You look great,” Phil told him, clasping his drink so tightly his knuckles were white. 

“I can't say the same for you,” Dan said softly, not meanly, “Are you okay?” 

“Of course I’m not fucking okay,” Phil spat, “You're my favourite person in the whole world and you look the happiest you ever have and it’s all because you’ve been away from me.” He sniffed. “I’m so stupid.”

“No,” Dan quickly interjected, “No, Phil, in all honesty, I’ve spent the majority of this year rolling around on the floor thinking about…” He paused. “Thinking about some pretty dark stuff. It’s only in the last week or so I’ve actually started to put myself together. And look at you, with your fancy Manchester apartment and shining new content.” Phil frowned, 

“Who told you I had an apartment in Manchester?” Phil asked, frowning. 

“I heard you and Martyn talking at the merch thing we did… I put two and two together.” 

“Dan, I’ve moved back in with my parents. There’s nothing fancy about it.” Dan was speechless. “You're my whole life, Dan. I can't function without you.” 

“But your videos,” Dan started,

“YouTube is my job,” Phil explained, “I love our fans and I can't just abandon them with no explanation.” 

“Oi,” Dan retorted, hurt, “I haven't abandoned them. They know I’m coming back.” 

“Do they?” There was silence for a moment and then, “I don't want to fight with you.”

“Why did you even want to see me?” 

“I have something for you. You left it at our apartment.” Phil pressed a small box into Dan’s hand, swallowing audibly. Dan opened it. 

“A memory stick. Is that it? I have loads of these, Phil.” Dan was seething, and he made no attempt to hide it. 

“I - I thought you’d want it, Dan.” 

“I opened my heart to you, Phil, I wanted you to understand how I feel - how I felt. But clearly it went in one ear and out the other. We’re done here.” And he took his barely touched coffee over to the counter, dropped a tip in the jar and stormed off back to his flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my exams are finally over! updates should be more regular now :)


	6. Chapter 6

Dan: hey jude  
ha ha, like the song  
when are you done wiht work  
i donnt think i should be alon e now 

Jude: You okay?   
I’ve still got another hour at work  
Dan?   
Dan i’d come over but i don't know your address   
Please answer. i’m worried about you  
I spoke to my manager, i can leave early, just tell me where you are

All Jude’s messages went through, marked as read almost immediately, but Dan didn't reply. He couldn't think straight, and the cold London air did nothing to calm his mind as he stepped outside. Phone calls rang out, unanswered, Jude frantically refreshing his phone, hoping for a message. He lit up a cigarette, desperate for something to relieve the tense feeling in his gut. A text eventually came through; it was his address, nothing else. Jude’s hands were shaking as he fumbled with his phone, stamping the cigarette out with his smart work shoes. Fortunately he knew the area pretty well, as Dan didn't live too far from him, but it was a couple of tube stops from his place of work, so he all but ran towards the nearest station and did his best not to throw himself down the stairs. 

There’s no phone service underground, but Jude’s phone remained gripped in his hand the entire ride. He pushed his way through the rush hour crowds, politeness completely out of the window; he needed to get to Dan. 

All the worst case scenarios were running through his head, images scorching themselves into his mind, things he desperately hoped wouldn't be there to greet him when he opened the door to his new friend’s apartment. 

He pressed the button for the lift, but it wasn't coming fast enough so he tore down the corridor and raced up the stairs until he reached Dan’s floor. His hand hesitated, terrified to knock. At this point in time, everything he was imagining simultaneously was, and was not true. Schrodinger’s Dan. It must have only been a few seconds, but it seemed like an eternity before Jude brought his hand, hard, against the door and knocked hard and long enough for it to be considered pounding. 

The door opened a crack and an arm reached out, pulling Jude inside, quickly closing it behind him. 

“Dan,” Jude spluttered breathlessly, “what’s going-” Dan cut him off with a kiss, fiery and passion filled, tasting faintly of cinnamon and an edge of something sharper - alcohol. It took all his willpower to pull away, but he managed it, hands lingering on Dan’s shoulders, one tracing its way up to his jaw. “Let’s talk, Dan.” Jude hastily took Dan by the hand and led him towards the kitchen area of his tiny studio flat, sitting him down at one of the two bar stools and perching himself on the other, never untangling their fingers. 

“Do you want a drink?” Dan asked, already standing and reaching for an almost empty bottle, his words distinguishable, but somewhat slurred. The answer was yes. Jude really did want to say yes and have a drink with Dan and allow both their impeded judgements to come together to allow them momentary bliss. 

Instead he stood again and gently prised the bottle from Dan’s hot hands. 

“I think we’re both okay without, aren't we.” Dan pouted, but allowed Jude to move the bottle out of sight. Their hands soon found each other again, and Jude stroked his thumb across the skin of Dan’s knuckles. It felt intimate, forbidden somehow, but God, it felt good. If something as small as this felt so wonderful, Jude could barely let himself think how wonderful giving in to their shared wishes would feel. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of such thoughts. Dan needed him here as a friend. “What happened with Phil?” The question was practically a whisper, but the tears which pricked Dan’s eyes and spilled out into his lashes showed he had heard. 

Dan quickly explained, not making entire sense thanks to his alcohol-induced fuzzy brain, but Jude got the picture. 

Phil sounded like a dick, and he wished he had met Dan before him, that they could have a normal, happy, healthy relationship without the strain of thousands - millions? - of fans pouring over their every move and fantasising about a fake relationship. 

“You say he looked like shit?” Dan sniffed, then nodded. 

“Even to me.” A pause. “I’m over him. Completely.” Jude nodded, continuing to stroke his hand. They both knew it was a lie. 

“Of course you are.” Jude’s voice was soft, compassionate; sad. 

“This is such a fucking mess, Jude.” A tear rolled down his check, and he wiped it away roughly with his spare hand. “I should just post something, tell them all it was never real, maybe then I can move on.” 

“Maybe,” Jude agreed, “But not tonight. You need to think about this properly Dan.” 

“I feel like I’ve known you my whole life,” Dan whispered, allowing his head to slot in the space beside Jude’s neck. It fit perfectly. “How has it only been a few days?”

“I feel the same,” Jude whispered back, dropping his head to rest on Dan’s. 

“This is stupid, it’s not even like we were dating.”

“It’s not stupid. However many people think you're dating, it has to come from somewhere.” Dan sniffed. 

“I’ve got your shirt all snotty.” 

“That’s okay,” Jude let out a little laugh, “snot on it all you want, mate.” They sat like that for a while, Dan quietly mourning whatever it was he’d had with Phil while Jude rubbed his hand in silent comfort. There was an itch beneath his skin, becoming harder to ignore, and Dan clearly sensed something was off, pulling away and peering up at him. 

“What’s wrong?” He fiddled with his lip, teeth tearing shreds of chapped skin. 

“Nothing,” Jude reassured him, then after a moment, “I just want - need - a smoke. I - it’s an anxiety thing; calms me down. It’s fine though.” Dan’s lips formed a smile.

“We can go outside,”

“You sure you don't want to just stay up here in the warm?” Dan shrugged, pulling on Jude’s hand and dragging him towards the door. 

“The cold’ll probably sober me up a bit. Maybe you’ll kiss me then.” The breath caught in Jude’s throat, and he stumbled after Dan, words alluding him. 

Outside, Dan hopped from one foot to the other, the bitter air biting into him more than he’d expected. Jude lit up a cigarette with shaky hands, quickly drawing from it and visibly relaxing. 

“Wow,” Dan whispered, his words creating a little cloud of steam, watching as a trail of smoke blossomed from Jude’s lips. “That’s really fucking attractive.” Jude bumped into his side.

“Really fucking disgusting,” he corrected. “I never meant to get hooked, but here we are.” Dan reached up and took the stick from his mouth, turning it over in his fingers before placing it between his own lips and breathing in a lungful of smoke, exhaling with more ease than he had at the pub not so long ago, but still wrinkling his nose a little at the acrid taste. Jude took it back again. “I’m not getting you addicted, mate.” 

“Are you?” Dan asked without thinking, “Addicted?” Jude ducked his head, red flushing his cheeks and the tip of his nose. He took another drag, and they both watched the smoke trail. 

“I guess,” his voice was wistful, deep in thought, “it’s bad, but there are worse things.” 

“I suppose this is where I should tell you to stop,” Dan commented, taking the cigarette once more for himself, then handing it back. 

“I could say the same thing. Think about what it’ll do to your lungs.” Dan shook his head, a small smile playing across his lips, 

“Clearly you care about my lungs more than your own.” Jude shrugged and stepped close, leaving millimetres between them. 

“Maybe your lungs are worth caring about.” 

“And yours aren't?”

“Let’s stop with this drawn out metaphor. I care about you, Dan. You're worth caring about.” Another drag of the cigarette.

“I care about you.” Dan’s voice was small, and he reached for the cigarette, this time putting it out. “You're worth caring about, Jude.” And Dan closed the distance, this time tasting of warm smoke and crisp cold air, not drunk anymore, just confused. 

And this time, Jude kissed him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for your comments on the last chapter! here's a plot twist you maybe weren't expecting, don't be mad :)


	7. Chapter 7

Jude woke a few hours later with a stiff neck from Dan’s uncomfortable sofa; in truth, he hadn't slept much at all, but he’d refused to let things with Dan progress much further than heated kisses and stolen touches as they rolled around together in this very spot. And they were stolen touches, because Dan was a taken man. Maybe he wasn't actually in a relationship, but he was indeed mentally attached to Phil Lester. And Jude despised that. He tried not to, he really did, but he hated Phil for coming between him and Dan, even though Jude was the new addition rather than it being the other way around. So, he’d remained on the sofa, and sent Dan to trudge begrudgingly off to bed, both of them knowing it was for the best. 

He gave up on sleep and searched ‘Dan and Phil’ on YouTube. A video from almost a decade ago popped up, and it seemed like a popular one, so Jude figured that was a good place to start. 

He watched PINOF 1 for the first time, almost feeling like an intruder. His mind was made up; Dan’s feelings were reciprocated back then, so there was a chance they still was now. He bit his lip, pulling up the gaming channel and skipping through the latest sims episode. Tears pricked his eyes. He couldn't let this end; as much as it would hurt him, he resolved to make sure Dan and Phil got back together, whether it be as friends or something more. He couldn't allow himself to come between them. 

He pulled up twitter and drafted a DM to the AmazingPhil account. He never sent it, realising with frustration that it would get lost in an avalanche of fan messages and inevitably be overlooked. His only other option seemed to be to get Phil’s number from Dan’s phone, but he really didn't want to do that, as it could be overstepping a boundary, and he didn't want to damage Dan’s trust, even if it was with good intentions. 

Instead, he sat on Dan’s lumpy rock of a sofa with his head in his hands, desperately trying to think of something - anything - which could help the situation. He replayed what Dan had told him about his meeting with Phil over and over until the details became meaningless - Phil looked tired, was living with his parents, gave Dan something stupid as a reason to meet him. 

It seemed almost ludicrous to Jude that either Dan or Phil could believe a memory stick was reason enough to meet up - they clearly both wanted to see each other, why couldn't they just recognise that and properly talk about things?

Why a memory stick of all things, Jude wondered, shaking his head at the insignificance of the object. Their entire careers were tech-based, they had hundreds of bloody memory sticks. 

They had hundreds of bloody memory sticks. 

Hundreds. Of. Memory. Sticks.

It hit Jude all of a sudden, and he realised he’d been just as oblivious as Dan; this memory stick was special. It had to be. 

Now he just needed to find it, and work out why. 

He slipped out of the apartment to pace up and down the street, accompanied by a cigarette as he thought. From what he’d gathered, memory sticks held no huge significance to Dan and Phil, at least online. He guessed they used them to hold footage, but that was as much as he could come up with. He lit another cigarette, pulling at his hair with fists, not only annoyed at this Dan and Phil conflict, but also himself for his reliance on the health-ruining sticks of tobacco to cope with any mildly stressful situation. 

He didn't think anyone really knew he was addicted to them; the word was thrown around sometimes, but never seriously. He didn't think any of his friends were aware of the constant itch under his skin and the panic which encroached further for each minute which passed without drawing smoke into his lungs. 

He didn't want Dan to smoke. He knew it was his own decision, and wasn't exactly going to stop him, if he insisted like he had earlier, but he didn't want Dan to have the same urge that would interfere with his life. He wanted Dan to be healthy. He cared about Dan a lot. So much that he was willing to give him up in order to make him happy. Even at his own expense. 

Jude reentered Dan’s flat silently, surveying the surfaces for a memory stick. He found several in the desk drawer, but had a feeling none of them were from Phil. 

Eventually, he found it in the bin, placed delicately on top of the rubbish. Pulling it out, he wiped it with a damp square of kitchen roll and plugged it into his laptop which he had with him from work. He inhaled sharply as the removable disk file popped onto his desktop, and opened it to see a video file. With shaky hands, he plugged in headphones and brought the video up to full screen. 

Phil Lester looked like a shell of the man Jude recognised from YouTube. His stomach clenched, and he realised he couldn't watch the video. It was too private. 

This was for Dan. 

And Jude despised the possibility that this video could bring about the end of whatever he and Dan had. But he cared for Dan, and he needed to do the right thing, so he tore a page from a pad of paper on Dan’s desk and wrote:

Hey Dan,  
I couldn't sleep and had an idea about that memory stick you’d mentioned. I plugged it in and saw there was something for you, from Phil.  
I didn't watch it.  
All the best,  
Jude x

And he left the note on the kitchen counter, with the memory stick placed underneath the writing. It was time for him to leave, so he slipped out of Dan’s flat for the second time that night, blinking away tears. He didn't know what the video said, but he didn't need to. 

He only lived a couple of streets over, but the journey took him half an hour, a smoke trail following him the whole way and doing considerable damage to his lungs. He couldn't even bring himself to care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually want to write jude's story as a stand alone thing now hhhh i love him skjsks   
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed this chapter :)


	8. Chapter 8

Dan slept in. He was exhausted, but the thought of Jude waiting for him in his tiny living room was enough for him to drag himself out of bed. Thoughts of the night before filled his head and he didn't bother to hold back a smile. His throat felt disgusting, and he coughed to try and clear it, wondering if smokers grew accustomed to this or if it eventually vanished. 

“Hey, Jude.” He grinned a little as he spoke, wanting to wrap himself in the other man’s arms. His words fell into an empty room, so he called, louder “Jude?”, the smile dropped from his lips as he realised Jude had gone, and he was alone. He pulled out his phone, assuming Jude had had to leave for work or something, but he had no messages. His frown deepened. 

It took around ten minutes for him to find the note, having gone to make a coffee. Somehow he ended up on the ground, a kitchen cabinet hard against his back and the cold of the tiles seeping into his skin. He didn't want to touch the memory stick. He couldn't bring himself to watch whatever was on it. He was terrified. 

This could be a pivotal moment in his life. It could crush him, or make him. Or both, he told himself as an afterthought. 

Jude’s number must have rang out about six times before Dan realised he wasn't going to answer. He put his head in his hands and pulled at his hair, desperate for someone to swoop in and save him from whatever was to come. 

Twitter was supposed to be a distraction, but of course it only added to his problems. He discovered a tweet from someone claiming to have seen him smoking in the street with someone they didn't recognise. Jude. Dan gritted his teeth in frustration, grimacing as he saw insults of ‘bad influence’ and even suggestions that the hiatus was due to Dan’s marriage to this man. And then of course, there were the others, tearing into the original tweeter and the people who believed it, causing general chaos in the twitter fandom. 

He drafted a tweet, ‘i’m know lots of of you are aware i’ve been on a youtube hiatus, but rest assured, there is no world shattering reason, it’s just a creative break.’. Replies came pouring in, some asking about Dan’s mystery man, others about when he’d post again, more about how he was doing, and an overwhelming number about missing him being with Phil. 

Three people got a reply:

‘yo danny boy, missed u - when’s the creative break ending’   
‘still waiting on the content and aesthetic. soon’ 

‘We will be here when you're ready, we just want you to be happy’  
‘i see that, thanks. i’ve been pretty happy recently :)’ 

‘what’s actually going on between you and phil? it’s not fair to just not mention it’  
‘nothing is happening between phil and i’

And it’s fair to say that he created a shitstorm. The first mostly generated excitement, as they’d been waiting for a new video from him for almost a year. The second was generally taken well too, although it led to a whole new set of theories about Dan and his so called mystery man. Finally, the third was taken two very different ways; either acceptance that there was no tension between the pair, or latching on to the ‘nothing’ and using that as proof they were no longer friends (or boyfriends / husbands for some people). 

He tried Jude’s phone again, but there was still no answer. He tossed his mobile across the room and stood up, staring at the memory stick. 

He didn't really have a choice; stay in this stalemate, or watch the video. It was obvious. 

With shaky hands, he picked up the stick and shoved the USB into his laptop, opening the removable device file and being confronted by Phil’s face. 

He still loved him, after everything. 

In a way, he wished he didn't. Maybe then he could finally move on, perhaps start something real with Jude. 

But he couldn't know anything until he watched the video. 

He couldn't manage headphones. Phil’s voice in his ear would be too intimate. His laptop speakers would have to suffice. He clicked play. 

“Hey, Dan.” Phil swallowed, looking up at the camera, right at Dan. He looked terrible, his fringe hanging limply into his face, his eyes red and swollen from a lack of sleep and - crying? “Thank you for watching this.” A pause. “I don't really deserve that, so thank you. If you are watching…” He trailed off, staring into space behind the camera. This wasn't edited. “God,” he bit his lip, “I feel as though I’m making some stupid apology video.” Another pause. “I guess this is an apology video. Just for you though, and I - it’s real.” He tugged on his earlobe, skewing his glasses. 

“I don't know when you’ll be seeing this - I don't know if I’m going to upload this privately and send you a link or if I’ll give it to you in person… anyway, yesterday… yesterday you left. Yesterday I helped you pack up the last of your things and watched you walk out of our home.” He straightened his glasses, his eyes filling. “That’s easily the worst mistake of my life. Or.. or there are others. I don't know if you remember when we went on the wheel in Manchester when we first met, but we - we held hands and I really wanted -” he broke off, “I really wanted to kiss you then, Dan, but I was scared.” He clears his throat, “I know that’s not an excuse, I’m not trying to use it as an excuse.” His gaze dropped to the floor. “It’s just that that’s my biggest regret and I can't expect you to just forgive me, and I don't know how I’d cope with - fuck, I can't cope without you, Dan, but when I read your letter I freaked out and it was all so real again and I couldn’t… I didn't react well -”

Dan shut his laptop. He didn't want to hear any more. He needed to talk to someone. He wanted to see Jude, but he wouldn't answer his calls so he decided to pull on a thin sweater and walked over to his apartment. He stood and rang the bell for an embarrassingly long time, then realised Jude was either out, or ignoring him. He gave up, missing Jude’s warm smokey smell and longing for a hug. He needed someone to tell him everything would be okay. 

He went and bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, only intending to have one, only wanting it to feel a connection to Jude. He went to a park and sat on a wooden bench, not wanting to be alone, so surrounding himself with strangers, and lit one, putting it between his lips and drawing in the smoke, hugging his knees. 

He stayed there for about an hour, smoking and coughing, staring off into space, then headed home, numb from the cold breeze. His sofa was uncomfortable to lie down on, and he wondered how - if - Jude managed to sleep there. Ringing shook him from his stupor and he answered without reading the name, whispering

“Jude?” into the device. 

“Dan. What the fuck are you up to?” It was Phil. Dan dropped the phone like it had burned him. He wasn't ready to talk to Phil, not after what he’d just learned. The phone was on speaker, so he could still hear the other man’s voice. “Dan, have you seen twitter?” He spoke more softly this time, “Dan, are you there?” 

“My tweet?” Dan responded, not quite believing Phil was being petty over a tweet. 

“No.” His voice was cold. “Did you meet anyone whilst you were out today - a viewer?” Dan shook his head, then realised Phil couldn't see that. 

“No.” He pulled at his hair, his stomach clenching anxiously. “Why?” 

“I think it’s best you look for yourself. Stay on the line.” 

Dan opened twitter to absolute chaos. He’d thought that morning was bad, but this was a whole new level. There were pictures of him curled up on the park bench, surrounded by a little cloud of smoke. They were everywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't hate me things will turn out okay


	9. Chapter 9

“Hello Internet,” Dan saluted the camera with two fingers, “everyone’s been telling me to make an apology video, but I haven't got anything to apologise for, except perhaps my upload schedule.” He’d just got off the phone with his manager before filming, and she’d kept talking about his image and reputation, and how necessary it was to apologise for his actions. He thought it was stupid; he’d been seen smoking in public, not committing a crime. Eventually, he decided to end his hiatus, just not the way she had wanted. 

“I’d like to take a moment to thank you all for the amazing experience you allowed me to have with Interactive Introverts.” Clips from the trailer were edited in. “It truly was a very special time, and the only reason it was able to happen was because of you guys, so I need you to know how grateful I am for that.” 

“Since tour,” he continued, “there have been a lot of changes to my personal life, which is the main reason for my ‘hiatus’.” He’d edited in screenshots from his channel to show how long it had been since he’d posted, as well as some comical viewers’ tweets about the situation. “I’ll be honest, I haven't got to a point where everything is how I’d like it, and I’m not where I’d envisioned myself to be when I decided to take this break.” He laughed, “Far from it.” 

The video cut to Dan peering around a door, saying “But that’s not the focus of this video?” 

“Right,” Dan in the original setting agreed, “It would seem pointless to make a video talking about not making videos.” The other Dan rolled his eyes, and then it went back to the main video. “This is going to be more of a ‘Trying To Live My Truth’ sequel, because I’m still not at a point where I can say I’m fully doing that, but I’m much further along my journey.” It cut to a shot of Dan in hiking gear with a big rucksack, huffing at the idea of other Dan calling his life a journey. Then main Dan was shown again, pausing in thought. 

“I’m editing myself even now,” he began, “talking about being authentic yet holding back the truth from you. My problem is that I don't know where to draw the line. I’m just a random person on the internet, I haven't sorted my own shit out so I’ve got no idea how to be a role model for people? I make mistakes, just like anyone else, and mistakes are a part of life, that shouldn’t be edited out!” He shook his head, “Without taking risks, nothing would ever change; some of the time, risks cause setbacks, but that’s fine, because you can use them to learn and grow.” 

He leant forwards, the frame becoming more of a close up. “I just got off a call with my manager telling me to publicly apologise for this picture.” The image from the park appeared on the screen. “I’m not going to do that. All of you watching this are people with free will and morals.” The video cut again to another Dan, raising his eyebrows. The original Dan paused, “Well, I’d like to think most of you are. My point is, you all know that smoking is bad for you, right? Seeing a picture of me - and it wasn't even confirmed as me until right now - doing something unhealthy isn't going to make you go out and do the same.” The other Dan raised his eyebrows again, and the original responded with “Well, I’d hope not.” 

“Lots of you care about me for some reason I can't understand, so I want to say that I’m okay, I’m taking care of myself,” then, off to the side, “mostly.” He pulled a face. “I have people around me who make sure I’m okay, and I try to do the same for them.” 

“If anything,” he went on, smirking, “you should be concerned about the people who take creepshots of me in public. You could always just come say hi instead.” He raised his eyebrows, “Goodbye, Internet,” And the video faded out to his end screen. 

He watched it through one last time before changing the setting to public and waiting for the response. 

Twitter:  
@hiatushowell: omg dan snapped 

@lovingpml: He seemed kind of annoyed ngl… I feel like he avoided talking about Phil 

@corgidnp: personal changes skjsks i smell a wedding 

@backin2009: hey @danielhowell i appreciate the communication and respect you a lot more after this. hope you're doing okay

@phandomstir: would love to hear @AmazingPhil s reaction to this lol

Instagram:   
@ph.andom.queen posted an image (screenshot from new video) - caption: Dan looks tired I hope he’s had a long enough break. Comment below if you think he should go back on hiatus to rest :(

@dannyandphilly commented: lmao he wouldnt have come back if he didn't want to / wasn't ready. he’s probably stressed

 

Dan rolled his eyes, appreciating that some people seemed to be listening to the message of the video rather than tearing it apart, and finding some of the theories and suggestions mildly amusing. Normally he’d have shared the more ludicrous ones with Phil, but that wasn't really an option now. 

Shit, Phil. The video. He’d somehow managed to forget, but Phil had confessed that he’d once had feelings for him. Maybe he still did, but Dan couldn't bring himself to watch anymore; if Phil really wanted to tell him, he’d have to do so in person rather than hiding behind a screen. 

That damn memory stick was burning a hole in Dan’s mind. He couldn't help but be curious (almost painfully so) about the remainder of the video, but he swore to himself that he wasn't going to look at it anymore, so banished it to a desk drawer, trying to forget it even existed. 

His phone rang, interrupting his thoughts. This time he checked the caller ID, not wanting an angry conversation with Phil or his manager. It was a relief to see Jude’s name on the screen. 

“Hey,” Dan exhaled into the phone, 

“Hi, Howell.” Dan smiled at the use of his last name, relaxing just from the sound of Jude’s voice. “I followed you on twitter and saw that you’d had a bit of a rough day. I was wondering if you wanted to come to the pub? Emily and Tristan will be there - it’s been a minute since we were all together.” 

“Sure.” Dan nodded, realising afterwards that Jude couldn't see him. Something normal would be a nice distraction. Then he remembered they didn't know about his career. “Did you - did you tell them about.. You know?” 

“Us?” Jude asked, “Well, I honestly wouldn't know what to say, but I think they assume something has happened between us because of that second night in the pub.” Jude paused, and Dan could sense his hesitation. He sighed, deciding not to tell Jude what he’d actually meant, and just see how things went that evening.

“I wish this was easy.” 

“I know,” Jude replied. “Did… I have to ask - did you watch it?” Dan took a moment before responding.

“A couple of minutes. There was a lot more I didn't watch. If he really means anything by it, he can find a better, less cowardly way of telling me.” He bit his lip. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too. See you in ten?”

“I’ll be there,” Dan confirmed, torn between a decade of love and hurt, and something new, something hopeful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually love jude so much i want to write him his own story oof


	10. Chapter 10

Jude pulled him into a hug the second he entered the pub, speaking softly into his ear so the others wouldn't hear.

“I shouldn't have disappeared like that. I was scared he’d say something on that video that would send you running to him and I couldn't deal with you leaving me… I’m sorry.” Dan hugged him back, hard.

“This is a mess, I should be the one apologising for dragging you into it. Phil and I - there will always be something, I can't lie about that, but if he wants any sort of relationship, he’s going to have to prove he deserves it. You're here with me now, and that’s what counts. Where’s he?”

A cough broke them apart, and the pair laughed to see their friends watching on, smirking at the overly long hug.

“Hey guys,” Dan’s features shifted into an easy smile. He could relax with these people. They all said their hellos and Dan bought a round of drinks. He knew he had to be honest with them; there were enough lies in his life already. The only problem was that there isn't really a casual way to drop the fact he had millions of online followers. Someone must have been looking out for Dan that day, socially at least, because Emily caught his gaze and held it, causing the table to fall into silence.

“Right.” She bit her lip, smiling wickedly. “If you're going to be all disgustingly couple-y with Jude, as his friend, I think I ought to give you a background check.” Dan laughed over a sip of his drink, coughing as it got stuck in his throat.

“Fair enough,” he grinned, “do you want to know what school I went to? My GCSE grades? If I’ve got a criminal record?” He smirked.

“I was thinking a twitter stalk would do - or Instagram actually, there may be some embarrassing old photos.” Dan raised his hands,

“Well you’ve got me there. There's an abundance of those floating around.” HIs heart was beating fast, terrified of what their reaction would be when they discovered his online ‘fame’. Jude bumped his shoulder, twisting their fingers together under the table. Emily and Tristan were grinning,

“Come on then, what’s your username?” Tristan asked, raising his eyebrows.

“danielhowell,” Dan told them, “all one word - d a n i e l h o w e l l. The only thing I maybe should warn you about is-” Emily cut him off with a shriek.

“This is you?!” She turned the phone to show Dan’s Instagram profile. “3.8 million followers. 3.8 MILLION FOLLOWERS?!” Dan shrugged, squeezing Jude’s hand tightly.

“No way,” Tristan cut in before Dan could speak. “8.2 million twitter followers. Jesus Christ, Dan. Who are you?”

“I-” Dan’s heart was beating so fast and loud that he felt sure it would burst out of his chest.

“He’s just Dan,” Jude spoke, catching Dan’s eye and smiling supportively. “The same person we met, he’s just loved by lots of people.”

“You knew about this?” Tristan asked, mouth hanging slightly open. “Why didn't you tell us?”

“It’s really no big deal,” Dan spoke softly. “I make YouTube videos - fuck, that sounds crappy. They're not problematic ones, I try to make a safe space for-” Emily’s eyes widened, and she cut him off.

“ _Shit_. Are you Dan and Phil?”

“Uhhh… I’m Dan? But yeah, I guess I am ‘Dan and Phil’ Dan.”

“Shit.” Emily repeated. Tristan prodded her,

“Do you know who he is?”

“My sister is obsessed with him, they're all she ever talks about.” She shook her head in disbelief. “I dropped her off at the theatre to see you on tour. _Shit_. That was you?” Dan swallowed,

“I - I’m just going to go outside for a minute. Jude, I -” He stood up abruptly, hands shaking. He wanted a cigarette. He didn't want to want a cigarette, but also liked that it was a bit of a ‘fuck you’ to Phil and his manager. He sat on the pavement outside and smoked, convinced he had just lost his two friends.

Someone sat beside him on the pavement. Dan didn't look up. A warm hand cupped his frozen cheek, tilting his face. It was Jude.

Dan’s eyes were blown wide and his hair was a mess. He was a beautiful mess, and all Jude wanted was to kiss him. His thumb stroked its way over Dan’s cheekbone, and both his hands somehow ended up in Dan’s curls. Dan put out his cigarette and wrapped his hands around Jude’s shoulders. One of Jude’s finders moved to swipe away a tear which leaked from Dan’s eye, and then their lips inevitably joined, coming together for a long, slow, maybe even loving, kiss. It was sad in a forbidden sort of way, but Dan had had enough of being sad and pulled Jude into his lap, deepening the kiss into something warmer and angry. He couldn't even feel the cold pavement biting into him. Jude trailed his way across Dan’s cheeks and his nose, eventually finding his neck and sucking, smiling into it as Dan sighed with pleasure.

A cough yet again broke them apart, and the pair looked up to see Emily and Tristan smirking down at them.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Emily didn't seem at all put off by the situation. “I need to apologise.” Dan scrambled to his feet, pulling Jude up with him, remaining connected by their intertwined fingers. “I was shocked, I think that’s a fair enough reaction. And Jude’s right, you're still the same awkward Dan who served us at the bar that one evening.”

“Hey!” Dan smiled, “I thought I did very well serving drinks.”

“Sure.” Emily smiled back, shaking her head. “My point is, I don't care that my sister has a poster of your face - okay, maybe I do a little bit, but I’m trying to overlook that - you're just Dan. And I quite like you, Dan.” She flicked her eyes across to Jude, “And it seems he does to, so I’ll have to put up with you.” She pulled him sharply into a quick hug.

“I’m gonna be honest,” Tristan picked up, “I still have no idea who you are - other than the Dan I know - so this doesn't bother me in the slightest. Nothing has changed as far as I’m concerned.” It was Dan who pulled Tristan into a hug,

“Thank you. Thank you all.”

“What do you guys think about coming over to mine and playing some board games?” Emily suggested, “I think we could all do with a nice quiet evening.”

“That sounds great,” Dan smiled, “so did I pass the internet-stalking test?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is there an appropriate way to respond to finding out your friend has millions of online followers? at least they didnt ask him for a shoutout lmao


	11. Chapter 11

The four of them drank far too much and had more fun than Dan had had in a long while. Every so often, he’d glance over towards Jude; their legs were pressed together and their hands brushed far too often for it to be called accidental. All he could think about was how effortlessly happy he was in that moment.

 

He wished he could have had something like this with Phil. Something easy and so casually romantic. Jude even looked a little like Phil - dark hair, blue eyes, tall. Maybe he had a type. Dan shook thoughts of the absent man from his head and leaned in closer to Jude, sighing slightly as he ran his hand through his curls.

 

The night ended in the early hours, and once they’d walked outside, Jude lit up a cigarette, offered Dan the first draw, then invited him to stay over at his flat.

 

Dan practically choked on the smoke, but recovered and took another hasty inhale, passing it back to Jude before answering.

 

“Sure,” he took Jude’s hand, and they began to walk. “I’d like that.”

 

Jude got the pair of them another drink when they got to his place, and they sat together on his sofa, talking a little.

 

“It’s mad,” Jude began, “I’ve not known you for long at all, but I feel so comfortable with you.” Tears pricked Dan’s eyes, so he scrubbed at them with a fist, blaming the alcohol.

 

“Me too. We really don't know each other that well, it’s strange - good strange.” Jude smirked, leaning in to kiss Dan’s cheek, a soft, warm gesture that brought crimson flooding to Dan’s cheeks.

 

“Do you want to change that?”

 

“Change what?” Dan whispered, voice tight.

 

“How well we know each other, silly. Never have I ever?” Jude wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, causing Dan to splutter on his drink, giggling.

 

“How much have you had to drink, Jude?”

 

“Not too much.” He winked, tapping his head as he spoke. “I’m still up here,”

 

“Okay,” Dan whispered, “you go first.” Jude smiled wickedly, playing with Dan’s fingers.

 

“Never have I ever…” He paused, expression elegant and poised as he thought, despite his drunkenness. Whenever Phil was deep in thought, he’d screw up his face like a little kid trying to remember the answer for something. Dan always teased him about it fondly, and was sure Phil did it more often just so they could laugh about it together. And then he had that stupid tongue thing he did when he laughed. He always insisted it wasn't a thing, but it was! There was evidence in videos! Other people saw it too.

 

“Never have I ever been in a newspaper,” Jude finally said, breaking Dan’s train of thought. Dan burst out laughing. “What?!” Jude exclaimed, “It’s a totally valid never have I ever.” Dan rolled his eyes and took a sip of his drink, watching as Jude did the same.

 

“I was expecting something more... “ Dan raised his eyebrows, “y’know.”

 

“I didn't want to start off with something sexual!” Jude insisted, “I thought we’d ease our way in.”

 

“Sure, sure, okay. Well, what have you been in a newspaper for then?”

 

“It was when I was at school - I won a poster designing contest, no big deal. What about you?”

 

“Jude, no, that sounds amazing, you’ll have to show me some of your art sometime! Uhh, I’ve been in a couple of times I guess - YouTube related stuff.”

 

“Oh yeah,” Jude nodded, “I keep forgetting you're a celebrity.” Dan blushed,

 

“Not really. I just make videos some people like.”

 

“You’re severely underselling yourself, my friend.” He bit his lip, “C’mere, I’m bored of this game.” He put his own drink down, then placed Dan’s beside it. Their eyes locked, then drifted to the other’s lips; the gap between them was closed, and soon they were kissing, bodies tangled together.

 

“Dan,” Jude breathed, nestling his head into the crook of Dan’s neck. Dan looped his arm around his stomach, feeling the heat of his skin through his t-shirt.

 

“Ph-” He stopped, sitting up and shaking his head. “I’m just gonna go to the bathroom,” his voice was almost a whisper.

 

He stood in front of the bathroom mirror, face dripping with the cold water he’d splashed it with. He’d nearly called Jude ‘Phil’. He gripped the porcelain tightly, maintaining fierce eye contact with himself. Jude’s bottles were lined up on the shelf just below his reflection, and Dan’s face crumpled when he saw them.

 

None of them were the same as Phil’s, and that realisation triggered startling tears, which fell hot and fast.

 

His hands screwed up into fists and rubbed at his eye sockets furiously, but something within him had been unblocked, and the flow didn't show any sign of stopping. The bathroom tiles were cold beneath him as he sunk to the floor, and he sat there, hugging his knees, wondering what led him to this point of utter chaos.

 

Jude was lovely. Maybe Dan was beginning to fall in love with him. Maybe Jude was beginning to fall in love with Dan.

 

But Dan still loved Phil.

 

And he hated himself for that.

 

He knew in that moment that he couldn't let things go any further with Jude. It wouldn't be fair on either of them - especially Jude, and Dan couldn't hurt Jude like that. Maybe they would have been great together - maybe they still could be, but what Dan needed now was time alone, time to recover. He needed to sort himself out before he could let anyone into his life in such an intimate way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for being so supportive with the confusing mess that happened with the alternative ending chapter
> 
> i think i made the right decision to continue with this as planned? 
> 
> thanks for reading :)


	12. Chapter 12

“Dan? You okay in there?” Dan squeezed his eyes shut, tight enough to hurt a little, aggressively drying his eyes with his fists. 

 

He unlocked the door and stood clutching it, hating what he knew he had to do. 

 

“Have you been crying?” Jude stepped forwards, concern etched into his face, arms out to give comfort. Dan stepped backwards, and Jude’s hands fell to his side, the lines of worry in his expression deepening. 

 

“I think we need to talk.” Dan swallowed, finally stepping out, wishing he could undo the last five minutes and go back to spooning on the sofa before thoughts of Phil knocked him back to shitty reality. 

 

“Oh - okay.” Jude’s voice was small. “I’m sorry if I’ve pushed anything you didn't want; I thought-”

 

“No,” Dan quickly corrected him, “You’ve not done anything wrong. Nothing at all.” Jude tenderly reached for his hand and sat the two of them down. 

 

“What then?” 

 

“You’re a special person, Jude.” His cheeks flushed, and he opened his mouth, seemingly to disagree, but Dan didn't let him speak. “You’ve offered me every kindness, and I’ve had the best couple of weeks with you, but I care about you.” He took a pause. “I care about you too much to hurt you, and if we carry on with this, that’s inevitable. I’m sorry.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Hurt was written plainly across Jude’s face. Guilt settled in the pit of Dan’s stomach. 

 

“You deserve someone who can properly love you, you're worth so much more than someone like me.” 

 

“Dan, I - I really don't understand. Has something happened?”

 

“I realised how much I like you.” Dan broke the eye contact between them, unable to look at Jude as he spoke. “You’re literally one of the best people I’ve ever been lucky enough to meet, but that’s why we can't be together.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Jude took Dan’s hand once more, squeezing it tightly and tracing the lines of his fingers, slightly too rough, clearly tense. “I’m really not all that great - if anything, you deserve better, after everything with Phil, you deserve so-” Dan cut him off, pulling his hand away gently, physically feeling a pain in his heart as he did. 

 

“That’s just the problem.” He sighed. “I’ve been in love with Phil for ten years. Honestly, I’m not anywhere near over him; that’ll take time. You deserve to be so much more than a rebound.” 

 

“I’ll wait for you. Please, Dan.” Dan looked up for a moment, but quickly returned his gaze to the fabric of the sofa as he saw tears pooling in Jude’s eyes, beginning to spill over. 

 

“I can't let you do that.”

 

“Why?” Jude’s voice broke, and the tears fell properly this time. “If you’re doing this because you think it’s what’s best for me, please-” a sob cut him off, “please, don’t.” 

 

“I have to, Jude. I’m so sorry.” 

 

“This is because of Phil?” 

 

“Not exactly - sort of.” Dan pulled at his hair, his curls bouncing back into place as he released it. “I’m not ending this because I want to be with Phil. I want to be with  _ you _ , Jude. So much. But I’m not emotionally ready. It wouldn’t be right for either of us.” Jude dropped Dan’s hand, swirling patterns into the fabric of the sofa as he avoided the other man’s gaze. 

 

“Is it because of the video?” He finally asked in a small voice, wishing he could regret telling Dan to watch it, but knowing he wouldn't be able to live with the guilt of doing otherwise. 

 

“No,” Dan shook his head, voice firm. Jude still wouldn't make eye contact. “Forget Phil; I know I’m trying to. My problem is that I haven't been on my own at all in my adult life. Sure, Phil and I have never  _ actually _ been dating, but mentally, I was with him - I don't know how to cope on my own, I’m just starting to learn, and I feel like I  _ need _ to learn.” Now, their eyes did meet. “Maybe we have a future together. I know right now, that’s what I want, but I’m -” He sighed. “I’m so conflicted, Jude. I just feel like I need some time to be just Dan. Not ‘Dan and Phil’ Dan, not ‘Dan and anyone’ Dan. I barely know who I am as an individual, and that’s fucking  _ terrifying _ .” He paused, eyes fixed on Jude’s hand, longing to take it and never let go. “I understand if you don't want to see me anymore, but I would love to be friends with you.” Another pause. “I feel like a complete dick for falling into your life and spreading my shit all over you.” He blinked, smirking a little despite his sadness “Jesus Christ, that was a sentence.” Jude chuckled, wiping at his eyes.

 

“You're so eloquent,” he murmured, his voice a little cracked, “but then you come out with things like that. You know I don't want to be your friend Dan - I want more, I think that’s fairly obvious.” Their fingertips lay on the sofa, barely a millimeter apart. Both their eyes were fixed on them. “But I care about you.” He shook his head, “And that means I’m going to respect you and how you feel.” He pulled his hand away. “I think we probably need some time away from each other, but I hope that one day we can make it to friends.” He stood up, walking towards his door. Dan followed, recognising that it was time to leave and not even trying to push down the emotions bubbling up inside of him. 

 

Jude pushed open the door, “Goodbye, Dan.” 

 

“Bye, Jude. Thank you - for everything.” 

Dan’s tears spilled before he even stepped through the door, great ugly torrents of them, and as he walked down the corridor, away from the man who had genuinely loved him, he felt a part of him split away. He could only hope he had done the right thing, but the bang he head from Jude’s flat as his foot collided with the door, might as well have been hitting his heart. 

 

He was alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, sorry it's been a little while, i've been super busy, and this chapter was kind of hard to write because i love jude so much ugh. lmk what you think :)


	13. Chapter 13

He took to the internet, which probably wasn't the wisest thing to do, but buried under a small mountain of blankets in his dark little bedroom, sniffling, the internet felt safe. 

 

Twitter was actually nice to scroll through for once - he saw some good doggos, liked some #headerfordan posts and changed his layout to a selfie he’d taken a couple of days ago with some cute but edgy art to match, tweeting his congratulations message to the artist, doing anything to take his mind of the mess of his life. 

 

Phil had tweeted something earlier that day, so it came up on his timeline, his breath skipping a little as he saw his username. 

 

AmazingPhil: Hey guys! I’m filming a Q&A soon so please tweet some questions with #AskPhil !

 

Dan frowned. Pinof 10 was always going to be the last one, but seeing Phil making a Q&A without him seemed wrong. He quote-tweeted it:

 

danielhowell: do you need someone to ask the questions?

 

His phone rang a couple of minutes later, and he answered, his voice croaky. 

 

“Hey, Phil.” 

 

“Dan!” Phil’s voice was bright, but there was an edge which Dan couldn't quite decipher. “I just saw your tweet,” 

 

“About the Q&A?” 

 

“Yeah,” Dan could sense that Phil was nodding. It was weird; they could read each other so well, even when it was just their voices. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I don't want people to get their hopes up.” Dan shrugged, then spoke, 

 

“I mean, I’m down to ask some questions, Phil. It’s up to you though.” There was a moment of silence. 

 

“You’d have to come up to my parents’ house.” 

 

“I’m okay with that if you are.” 

 

“I’m more than okay with that.” Dan smiled, but it was a sad smile. 

 

They talked a little more about details, and Dan began to wonder why he’d tweeted the question in the first place. Fanservice, he told himself. He owed it to the people who watched the two of them  _ together _ ; as ‘Dan and Phil’, not Dan and Phil. Maybe they weren’t really speaking at the moment, but he was pretty sure they both missed each other, and maybe this could help heal their friendship. 

 

He just hoped it wouldn't rip open the unhealed ‘giant crush on Phil Lester’ wound. 

 

He arrived on the Isle of Man the next evening, and Phil met him off the plane. They had an awkward ‘do we hug?’ moment, but neither initiated it, so they just stuck their hands in their pockets and said hello. 

 

This time, Phil was looking good, and Dan was the wreck. He hadn't slept much at all, so had puffy eyes, and there was still a hickey on his neck left there by Jude, covered by some concealer Dan had bought for that specific purpose. For the video, he told himself, not for Phil. 

 

“Thanks for coming all this way,” Phil smiled, raising his eyebrows. “Have you eaten?” Dan shook his head. 

 

The two of them walked to the little bistro restaurant down the road, the surroundings familiar to them both. 

 

Their meal was quiet, but silence between the pair was never awkward. They’d had ten years of each other, so knew every facial expression, the meaning behind every movement. 

 

“Why did you want to come help with this, Dan?” Phil eventually asked. Dan shifted his knife and fork; he’d finished eating, so just rearranged the way they lay on his empty plate. 

 

“I don't know, Phil.” His gaze stayed fixed on the dish. “I’d had a resoundingly shit day, and saw your tweet.” He paused, “It made me think of pinof - and I  _ know _ we’d always planned to end it at number ten, but it seemed wrong for you to do a Q&A on your own.” After he’d finished speaking, he looked up to meet Phil’s eyes. 

 

“Yeah,” Phil’s voice was quiet. His foot accidentally knocked Dan’s under the table. “It felt weird for me too. I’m glad you offered.” 

 

“This isn't -” Dan hesitated. He needed Phil to know that he wasn't ready - didn't know if he’d  _ ever _ be ready - for things to go back to how they were before… or more than how they were before. 

 

“I know,” The other man nodded, holding Dan’s gaze. “This isn't an easy fix.”

 

Dan exhaled, thankful he hadn't actually needed to say the words aloud. 

 

“It’s progress,” He said instead, and the two of them shared a smile. 

 

They walked over to Phil’s parents’ house and decided to film the video the next day, opting to watch a film together then get some sleep. Phil explained that his own stuff was in storage while he sorted out his own place to live, apologising for the limited DVD selection. Before they could decide, Kath, Phil’s mum arrived home and came to talk to the pair. 

 

She clearly knew something was horribly wrong, and Dan wouldn't be surprised - or too bothered, for that matter - if Phil had explained the entire situation to her. She asked Dan some questions about where he was living, how long he was visiting for and such like - generic small talk; clearly she didn't want to overstep a line. 

 

The two of them invited her to watch the film with her, and asked if she had a preference, as they couldn't decide. She chose avatar, and the two of them shared a look, which Kath didn't miss, but didn't comment on either. After half an hour or so, she left the room, insisting that she had things to do, but Dan caught her wink at Phil just before she walked away. 

 

He shifted on the sofa, slightly closer to Phil. Avatar was a really long movie, and it had been a long day. He was tired, and his sleepy body wanted to be curled up beside Phil. 

 

They weren’t cuddling by any means, but there was only an inch or so separating them, and the pair found comfort in being together. 

 

They could do together; they’d done together for ten years, and these past months had been too hard. But here they were: Dan and Phil, together again; on the road to friendship. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hola readers, sorry it's been a little while, stuff with school has been pretty hectic, although it's summer soon, so i should be able to post more :)


	14. Chapter 14

They woke the next morning curled together on that same sofa, their backs and necks aching a little from the awkward sleeping position. Dan jerked away as he came around to consciousness, muttering under his breath, 

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He pulled at his hair. Why had he volunteered to come here? He’d promised himself time alone to work on his individuality, yet he’d apparently just spent the night in Phil’s arms. 

 

This wasn't fair for anyone; Phil might now expect them to get together, dashing any hopes of friendship for Dan; Jude would feel awful, like he’d just been some flimsy attraction, and Dan wasn't ready for anything. He needed time; they all did. 

 

Phil rolled over, stretching his arms to reveal a sliver of his pale stomach. Dan looked away. 

 

“Morning,” The other man smiled sleepily, “we should have known after all this time that Avatar is too long to watch when we’re already shattered.” His gaze fell on Dan, “You okay?” 

 

Dan shook his head, perching on the arm of the sofa. 

 

“Want to talk about it?” Phil asked, voice gentle. Dan shook his head again, then shrugged, and finally, after a brief pause, nodded. 

 

“I - I want us to be friends, Phil. For now at least.” Phil was watching Dan, but his eyes were fixed on his neck. Dan’s hand flew to the spot he felt certain Phil had seen. 

 

“You’re seeing someone else?” His voice was broken, like Dan had just punched him. Someone  _ else. _

 

“No!” It was a quick explanation, followed by an awkward silence - Dan and Phil  _ never _ had awkward silences. “Well, not really - not anymore.” 

 

“Oh,” Phil sat up, looking entirely dejected. 

 

“We need to be honest with each other, Phil.” Dan bit his lip, placing his hands delicately in his lap. “I guess that’s part of why I’m here - I need you in my life, in some way, I just don't know what way that is yet.” Phil frowned.

 

“And this other person?”

 

“Jude,” Dan swallowed, “I can tell you about him, if you want? We were - we liked each other, but I broke things off because I needed time to -”

 

“Dan,” Phil cut him off, “we were never together. I was an idiot - you don't need to explain yourself to me.” 

 

“We were never together,” Dan echoed, quietly. 

 

Phil shuffled across the sofa to be closer to Dan, who was still perched on the arm, only now hugging his knees to his chest. 

 

“That’s not what I meant. We were never together, but we might as well have been,” Phil spoke, his voice barely a whisper. “I think that probably took a bit of a toll on us both.” Dan nodded, 

 

“I felt a bit like I was cheating on you, when things got more serious with him.” 

 

“Shit,” Phil whispered, “I’m so sorry, Dan.” Dan shrugged. 

 

“It’s done; I want to move on now.”

 

“You must hate me.”

 

“I don't .”

 

“You should.”

 

Dan shrugged again, knees jiggling. 

 

“I need some fresh air.” Translation: he needed a cigarette. He hadn't smoked since arriving on this island and there was a pull from somewhere inside him, urging him to change that. 

 

“Alone?” Dan shrugged, then walked outside, still wearing his crumpled clothes from the day before. Phil didn't follow, sensing that he probably wanted some time with only his thoughts for company. 

 

The smoke was warm and filled him up inside, comforting somehow. He held the cigarette between his lips, wondering if this had stopped being a fun social habit and turned into something more sinister. He exhaled, watching the cloud he produced float up into the clear sky. Maybe he didn't care what this could do to him, because it was relaxing, and not a lot else was. 

 

He put the finished cigarette out with his foot, then picked it up, not wanting to leave it in front of the Lester’s house for some reason, feeling like some kind of rebellious teenager. That thought made him laugh - out loud, strangely enough; he was a sad, confused nearly 30 year old, far from a rebellious teenager. 

 

He ended up putting the butt under a rock, then slipped back inside. Kath was in the kitchen, buttering some toast, and Phil was sat at the table, eating some of his own. 

 

“Breakfast, Dan?” He smiled, nodding. Kath was always lovely to him. She picked up a couple of slices of bread for him, then wrinkled her nose. “You’ve not…” She paused, frowning, then handed over the bread. “You’ve been smoking.” At this, Phil looked up, his expression neutral - decidedly so. 

 

“Um,” Dan blushed, feeling like a naughty child. He remembered Phil’s stories about her clear views on the matter. “Yeah,” he ducked his head, placing the bread in the toaster and pushing down the lever, a little harder than necessary. 

 

“Why on earth would you do that?” She wasn't even cross with him, just disappointed, and that hurt far more than anger could. She stepped closer to him and forced eye contact, looking sad. Dan glanced down, fiddling with his hands. He shrugged. 

 

“Mum,” Phil said softly, but she just shook her head. 

 

“I care about you, Dan. Why would you do this to yourself? Surely you know what will happen?” Dan shrugged again, suddenly very interested in the pattern of the floor tiles. “Fine.” She tried a different tactic, “Think of all those people who look up to you - what sort of example is this?” There was a lump in Dan’s throat, but - fuck - he wasn't going to cry. 

 

“I didn't try to make it public.” He swallowed. “It’s not a big deal.” 

 

“You’re an adult,” Kath said, placing a hand gently on his arm, “you can do what you want, but  _ please _ , Dan, stop this. I saw that video you made and was hoping that it was a one time thing? Or at least that the criticisms would make you stop?” Dan shrugged, 

 

“I don't really do it that much.” His voice was small. It was strange for someone to actually be concerned about him. Although, he didn't see why it had to be such a big deal - it wasn't like he was a  _ smoker. _ He wasn't  _ addicted _ . He just  _ chose _ to do it sometimes. Right?

 

“Why at all?” Dan shrugged again, 

 

“It calms me down, I guess.” He paused. “Comforting.” Kath frowned, then pulled him into a hug. 

 

“I’d prefer you to have hugs instead, if you want comfort. Okay?” Dan shrugged, sniffing. He wanted another hug, but instead turned back to the toaster, pulling his now-toast from it and spreading some jam over it - he was avoiding dairy, trying to be vegan again, but didn't have any alternatives with him, so settled for butterless toast. 

 

Kath looked ready to further pursue the matter, but Phil shook his head and patted the seat beside him for Dan to sit on. He obliged, and bit into his toast, hands a little shaky. Kath finished up her own breakfast and left the two of them alone in the kitchen. 

 

“She’s right, you know,” Phil told Dan, sipping at his coffee. “Anyway, you want one?” He pointed at his drink, and Dan nodded, getting up to pour himself one, taking it black - again, no dairy. 

 

“Kath’s really sticking to her anti-smoking campaign from when you were a kid, huh.” Dan smirked into his mug, not quite sure how he was feeling. Phil nodded, 

 

“You know the story of when she found me about to smoke that time.”

 

“Your gang initiation,” Dan laughed, and Phil joined in. 

 

“Why did you start though? I’ve never seen you smoke before, and I’ve known you for practically a decade.” Dan shrugged, staring into his coffee. 

 

“I mean, I did it a bit, socially. When I was a teenager.” He paused. “And then recently - Jude offered me one, and I said yes.” Phil’s hands tightened on his mug as he heard the other man’s name, and Dan felt his gaze rest once again on Dan’s marked neck. 

 

“Shit - does your mum think…” Dan touched the bruise self-consciously, shaking the image of Phil marking him in that way out from his thoughts, cheeks flaming. 

 

“I don't know,” Phil muttered, “you know she always thought we were together? When I came here, she asked if we’d broken up.” Dan’s cheeks flushed even more red at Phil’s words. 

 

“I brought concealer - for the video.”

 

“The video.” Phil nodded, “Yeah.” He took another drink, clearly thinking about something intensely. “Did this Jude… did he pressure you, like with smoking, or… other stuff?” 

 

“No!” Dan shook his head wildly, “No way, Phil. Jude is lovely, really.” He hesitated. “I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s the truth. That’s part of the reason why I stopped things with him - he deserves better.” 

 

“Better than you?” Dan bit back a smile, 

 

“Trust me, that’s not a hard thing to achieve.” Phil shook his head, draining his mug. 

 

“But he got you smoking?” 

 

“No, not really - I mean, kind of, but not intentionally.” 

 

“I’m not sure I like the sound of him.” His voice was disapproving. 

 

“You're not my guardian, Phil. And Jude is  _ lovely _ .” His voice dropped, “In all honesty, I’m not over him either, so you're going to have to accept that, as my friend. “Look, I really don't want to argue with you. Like, ever.” He finished his own coffee, and took both their dishes over to the sink. “How about we get ready and film that video?” Phil nodded, 

 

“That sounds like a good idea. And I don't want to ever argue with you either, Dan. I think these last few months have been enough ‘arguing’ for a lifetime.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dan and phil really did that this pride month.  
> i'm so proud of them both and hope they have a brilliant time at pride (and generally, lol)  
> anyway, i hope you enjoy this chapter (the angst kind of popped off with this one, sorry)


	15. Chapter 15

They showered quickly, then dressed, Dan wearing a black high-necked shirt together with a patch of concealer on his neck, and Phil a muted yellow t-shirt. 

 

“You okay if I just pop to the shop before we film?” Dan asked, wanting to pick up some vegan milk, because Kath kept making the pair of them cups of tea, and Dan really didn't like it black. 

 

“Sure,” Phil shrugged, “mind if I come too? Could probably do with a little exercise.”

 

The pair of them walked together, chattering all the way; it was like nothing had changed, but there was still a nagging tension in the back of both their minds, it’s just that they were both choosing to ignore it. 

 

At the shop, Dan picked up some oat milk, as well as grabbing the sweets Phil was eyeing up. The queue was short, so Dan was soon at the front of the line, deciding to ask for a pack of cigarettes whilst he was there. His cheeks flushed a little; this was still a pretty new thing for Dan, and Phil stiffened slightly when he asked the question, although his expression was cooly neutral. Dan handed over some notes and pocketed the box, handing Phil the sweets and cradling the milk in his arm. 

 

Outside, it was clear Phil had something to say, but Dan didn't want another lecture, so let him psyche himself up without any acknowledgement. 

 

“Dan,” he eventually started, in a quiet voice. Dan raised his eyebrows expectantly, knowing full well what was coming. “You know, if you didn't buy them, you wouldn't smoke them.” Dan shrugged, 

 

“But then I wouldn't smoke them.” 

 

“Yeah,” Phil frowned, missing out the cracks in the pavement. “That was my point.” Dan smiled, but it was without his eyes. 

 

“It doesn't affect you.”

 

“It’ll ruin your health.” 

 

“Phil.” Dan muttered, “Drop it, please.”

 

The journey home was much more stilted than that which had preceded it, but their silence wasn't uncomfortable, and they soon fell into relatively easy conversation. 

 

“Wanna film now?” Phil asked, up in his bedroom. Dan nodded, watching as Phil set up the equipment. They weren’t in his usual new filming location - there was only room for one there - and instead, Phil positioned the camera on his desk, facing his bed and wardrobe. Dan shuffled out of frame to let Phil, who sat on the floor, do the intro, then jumped in chaotically, causing both of them to laugh. 

 

“This isn't pinof,” Phil clarified, 

 

“No, but you’ve still got the same bedsheets you had the first time I met you, Phil - I hope you’ve washed them.” Phil rolled his eyes, 

 

“They’re still in perfect condition!” He protested, reaching behind him to stroke the duvet. “And it’s a different house, so that doesn't count.” 

 

“Phil,” Dan rolled his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I’d be very interested to hear the logic behind that. But yeah, that’s a good point - we’re at your parents’ place, what’s that all about?” 

 

Phil lowered his voice, speaking to just Dan, not the camera. 

 

“What are we saying about that?” Dan shrugged, 

 

“Probably best not to say we moved out and didn't speak for like five months.” 

 

“Yeah.” Phil frowned. “I am sorry.” Dan shrugged again, 

 

“You came to see your parents and I came to film the video - that’s not a lie.”

 

“Okay.” And the brighter, AmazingPhil voice switched on. “Well,  _ Daniel _ , I’d come up here to visit my parents, and was going to film this Q&A whilst I was up here, but apparently I couldn't possibly do that without you.” They both rolled their eyes. 

 

“You need someone to ask questions, mate.” Dan bobbed his head forwards, jutting out his chin. Phil pushed him away, and Dan scrolled through the hashtag, which had somehow morphed into #askdanandphil rather than just #askphil. “Speaking of, pretty much half of these are asking if we hate each other, or got married whilst I was hiatus-ing.” Phil laughed nervously. “Hate to break it to you guys,” Dan raised his eyebrows, “but neither of those is true.”

 

“Okay,” Phil pulled his phone from Dan’s grip, “Wow, you guys asked a lot of questions… this is trending.” Phil scrolled for a little longer. “Mollie asks, ‘can you wear the cheese costume one last time?’” Dan’s expression darkened as Phil turned slightly to make eye contact.

 

“I may have destroyed the cheese costume…”

 

“Dan!”

 

“Okay, well maybe not  _ destroyed _ . It’s in storage, where hopefully it’ll get eaten by rats or something.” 

 

“That would be appropriate for a cheese costume,” Phil nodded thoughtfully. “I would say sorry, Mollie, but I’m really not sorry.” 

 

“Christ on a fricking bicycle,” Dan muttered, “so many people are asking about the gaming channel. And the smoking thing. Should we just ignore that or is that suspicious?” Phil shrugged, 

 

“I’d say we should just leave them out. You made your video, and we’ve already addressed some stuff.” Dan nodded, 

 

“Ooookay, Cris asks ‘Phil! Do you ever get burned out making videos on a schedule? *cough cough* DAN.’ Thanks,  _ Cris _ ,” Dan rolled his eyes, “They clearly don't appreciate my spontaneity.” Phil rolled his eyes at the camera.

 

“Uh, I guess I do a little,” Phil admitted, “but I have a massive list of video ideas which I use if I’m feeling uninspired, and I only post about once a week - if that. Some people are daily vloggers! Think of them!” The pair laughed, and Dan did his existential crisis face at the camera. 

 

There were many more questions, and they kept the video casual, with a very relaxed vibe, much less chaotic than pinof. 

 

They finished off by waving at the camera, pulling slightly creepy, but intentionally so, smiles. Phil ended the recording. 

 

“I think they’ll like it.” Dan nodded, 

 

“I hope so. It was fun to film, anyway.” Phil smiled. 

 

“I’ve missed this - you.” 

 

“Same here.” Dan rolled his eyes, sticking out his tongue. “You’re not special.” He pulled himself up off Phil’s carpet. “I’m off outside.” He patted his pocket, feeling for his cigarettes and lighter. 

 

“Cool,” Phil smiled tightly. “I’ll come too.” 

 

“Phil,” Dan said, warningly. Phil shrugged. 

 

“If you don't feel comfortable smoking around me, just don't.” 

 

“I was going outside,” 

 

“So was I.” Dan clenched his fists in his pocket. Fuck it, he wanted a cigarette, and if Phil wanted to play whatever card he was trying to, then so be it. 

 

The pair stood outside, Phil watching as Dan lifted a cigarette to his mouth and lit it expertly, inhaling deeply. Phil’s nose wrinkled. 

 

“You look like your mum,” 

 

“It smells.” 

 

“Don't smell it then.” Dan blew out a cloud of smoke, half of him wanting to blow it in Phil’s direction, but deciding against that. 

 

“You’re not…” Phil trailed off, looking down at the flagstones beneath their feet. 

 

“Addicted?” Dan said, sharply. Phil shrugged, 

 

“Are you?”

 

“I don't fucking know, Phil. I hope not.” 

 

“Well, could you stop?” 

 

“I’m not sure I want to.”

 

“You do know that I’m only being annoying because I care about you?”

 

“I know.” Dan’s voice was low, and he continued smoking. “I do appreciate that, it’s just annoying.” He paused, and they both watched the clouds he exhaled into the sky. “And, for the record, I don't think I’m addicted, I just miss it every so often.” 

 

“Miss it?” 

 

“Want it.” 

 

“Hmm.” 

 

“I think I maybe need this, for now, Phil. It’s - I don't know how to explain - it just makes me feel nice. It won't be a long term thing.” 

 

“How can you know that? What if you get properly addicted?”

 

“I’m trying to live without ‘what if’s.” 

 

They stood outside for a while after Dan finished his cigarette, just close enough for their sides to accidentally brush together every so often. 

 

Dan wondered what Jude was doing, whether Jude was thinking of him. 

 

Why did this all have to be so complicated?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who am i? posting two days in a row?? wow
> 
> anyway, hope you enjoy! stuff will actually happen soon, i promise


	16. Chapter 16

Dan returned to London the next day, back to a life of living alone, schedule free. He’d quit his job at the pub after his first few trial shifts, too used to the lifestyle being a ‘youtuber’ had brought to return to shift work. 

 

He thought that he’d maybe start to make videos more regularly, as he’d managed it before, and it wouldn’t hurt to try - he needed something constant in his life. 

 

He texted Jude sometimes, but they were both hurting, and conversations gradually tapered off. Occasionally he met up with the friends he and Phil had made together, but it was like everyone he knew was a ‘couple friend’ - it had always been ‘Dan and Phil’ to those people, and questions could be draining, especially when Dan didn't have any answers. 

 

Phil had eventually moved back to London. He had his own apartment, maybe a fifteen minute walk from Dan’s - much less time on the tube. It was nicer than Dan’s, with a big kitchen, office and two bedrooms. The extra bedroom was for his parents, he explained to Dan, or for Martyn and Cornelia if they came to stay. Maybe PJ and Sophie would use it sometimes. 

 

Perhaps things would have been more normal if Dan had never confessed his feelings to Phil, because then they’d still be living together, and they’d still be ‘Dan and Phil’. 

 

Deep down, he knew this was for the best; if everything had stayed how it was, he’d still have that claustrophobic feeling constantly in his stomach. 

 

He posted a video titled ‘Basically I’m Gay’, a forty-five minute long explanation of his life experiences and how he came to terms with his sexuality. He only told his family that he wasn't straight a week or so before filming it, and although most of them were supportive, he’d done it via email and was still terrified of seeing them in person. Phil had helped him make the video, and posted his own a couple of weeks later. 

 

The general consensus was that Dan and Phil were together, that they always had been, but that Dan being closeted - at least to his parents - had been the reason they’d kept it quiet. 

 

That wasn't true, but Dan and Phil made it clear they wanted to keep some things private, so they did. 

 

About a month after Dan ‘broke the internet’, as his followers liked to say, he bumped into Jude on the street. 

 

“Hey! Dan!” A voice had called from across the street. Dan was broken from his thoughts, expecting to see a viewer or something, but then, there was Jude. 

 

He looked great. 

 

“I saw your video,” Jude smiled, “It was brilliant.”

 

“Thanks,” Dan smiled, a little uncomfortably. Feelings were surfacing, and that was scary. “How are you doing?” Jude grinned, 

 

“Great, actually.” He hesitated, twisting his fingers, “I met someone,” 

 

“That’s amazing, Jude. I’m so happy for you!” He wished he meant it. 

 

“He’s put me on a health kick - get this - I’ve been going to the gym every other day, and I’ve practically stopped smoking.” Dan forced a wide smile, 

 

“That’s great. I’m so happy you found each other.” Dan was painfully aware of the bulge of a cigarette packet in the back pocket of his jeans. 

 

“Anyway - you and Phil? That’s exciting!” Dan shrugged, 

 

“We’re just friends. Actually just friends.” 

 

“Ah,” Jude’s smile faltered a little. It was clear what he was thinking - ‘soulmates’, ‘more than just romantic’, but just friends? “Well, I’m glad you’ve made up.” 

 

“Yeah,” Dan arranged his features back into a smile. Whilst things may have changed for the better in some respects, he was still beating down his way more than romantic feelings for Phil. “Well, it was lovely to see you - we’ll have to meet up properly at some point.” Jude nodded. 

 

“Definitely.” 

 

They both knew it would never happen. 

 

The changes happened gradually. Dan’s ceiling started dripping, a leak from the flat above seeping down through the floorboards. Phil offered up his guest room, insisting that Dan needed somewhere warm and dry to live. 

 

It was only ever going to be temporary, but Dan’s landlord was pretty rubbish, and it took him ages to sort out the leak, which was only getting worse, so it was only natural for Dan’s things to move to Phil’s apartment, and for Dan to pay half the rent. The two of them ended up on a health kick themselves, although it was mainly for Dan’s sake. Phil went with Dan to see specialists, and stood by his side for the months and months it took for him to stop smoking; he was there for every relapse, and patiently supported all the emotional turbulence which goes alongside dealing with an addiction. 

 

They went out for meals together, sharing a laugh when waiters lit candles for them and asked if they had enjoyed their ‘date’. It was funny, because they were just friends, but then Dan’s apartment was ready for him to move back to, and neither of them wanted him to go. 

 

They made videos together and introduced themselves as ‘Dan and Phil’ to everyone they met, because it was the most natural thing in the world. 

 

It seemed right to buy a house together, because renting wasn't good long term, and they’d been doing it for a decade. 

 

They found the perfect place out in the suburbs, somewhere filled with young families, lots of green space, but close to the city. 

 

One evening, they’d been looking at dogs online, and Phil had gone to the kitchen to get drinks. 

 

He came back and passed Dan his, kissing him softly on the cheek as he did so. 

 

They were still friends, years later - best friends - it’s just that they were lovers too. 

 

They ended up getting a stupidly expensive dog, a crossbreed of a shiba inu and a corgi - a shiba corgu, as they liked to call him -  they named him Gary, because who doesn't find a dog with a human name adorable? Also, ‘Dan, Phil and Gary’ had a nice ring to it. 

 

One week, after leaving Gary with Phil’s parents, they flew to Japan, having not yet made it back since that wonderful trip in 2015. 

 

When Phil got down on one knee under a cherry blossom tree, both of them cried. 

 

Dan said yes, of course, and later that day they shared a photo with the internet, stood under that same tree. People saw Dan’s ring, and of course, and together with the pair’s massive, genuine smiles, they understood. Dan and Phil never ‘officially’ said they were together, but they didn't need to.

 

Their wedding day was beautiful - they had it locally, but lined the aisle with cherry blossom and filled the room with all their favourite people, Jude and his fiance, Ari were seated near the front, having become close friends with Dan and Phil over the years. Gary was their ring bearer, so Dan and Phil had dog treats in the pockets of their wedding jackets, which was perhaps a little unusual, but very them. 

 

Dan wore a burgundy suit with crisp white shirt and sky blue tie, whilst Phil wore a sky blue suit, white shirt and burgundy tie. 

 

They’d written their own vows, and talked about how stupid they’d been to take an enitre decade to get together, how much they loved each other, how happy they were - Phil even promised he’d stop eating Dan’s cereal, but they both knew it would never happen, and that Dan didn't really mind. 

 

Neither of them had a best man - it was true, they  _ were _ super best friends and soulmates, so nobody else could take the position of ‘best’. They gave each other speeches at the reception, and had their guests in peels of laughter, the sort that makes you feel light headed and gives you a stomach ache. 

 

Phil tweeted that evening, a picture of their hands locked together, identical bands on their ring fingers. There was no caption - there didn't need to be. 

 

The day was perfect - not actually perfect - it rained a little, and Gary nearly went off course while delivering their rings, plus several people got far too drunk, but it was  _ perfect _ . 

 

Dan and Phil had built a world together, and now they were finally living in it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for sticking around. when i started writing this chapter, i wasn’t expecting it to be an ending, but this seemed a good, natural way to do it.   
> i’m planning on doing an epilogue soon, so watch out for that :)  
> thanks again for reading


	17. Epilogue

The summer of 2029 was a warm one, and on this particular day, it fell to Dan and Phil to host the family. Phil was stood flipping veggie burgers on the barbeque with Dan close to his side, their shoulders touching as one cooked and the other watched over the three little children running riot. 

 

Robyn Lester-Howell was seven now, and had been dubbed ‘it’ by his two cousins, Ebb and Oscar, all three of them shrieking with laughter as they ran around the garden. Dan spotted Martyn and Cornelia sat in the shade, watching their kids having fun. Robyn managed to catch up to Ebb and yelled 

 

“You’re it!” before resuming his run, cackling.

 

Dan leant closer into Phil’s shoulder, his small smile morphing into a wider one. Phil turned to face him, mirroring his expression. 

 

Their moment was interrupted by Kath, who had wanted an update on the food, but then stood with them for a little while. 

 

They were lucky, extremely so, and that much was evident on this day. Gary emerged from inside, stopping to sit beside his dads; he was old now, but still very much full of life, the mischievous twinkle in his eye prompting Dan to guard the food. 

 

“Aww, Dan, just  _ one _ sausage? Look at his face, how could you say no?” 

 

“Phil! This is why he begs at the table - and why Robyn gives him his vegetables!” Phil pouted, holding up a sausage. Gary surged forwards, letting out a bark as his tail wagged furiously. “Now you're teasing him, that’s not fair!”

 

“Exactly,” Phil nodded solemnly, feeding Gary the sausage. “It’s not fair to tease him, so I just had to give him the food!” Dan rolled his eyes, bumping Phil’s shoulder affectionately. Phil kissed him on the end of his nose, prompting another eye roll.

 

“Love you,”

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Dan kissed him back, on the cheek. “Love you too. I’m just gonna get the kids more water - it’s hot. You want anything, Kath?” She shook her head, indicating her half full glass. Phil raised his own empty one, raising an eyebrow. “I didn't ask you, Phil,” Dan teased, his tone lighthearted, taking it from him and heading inside. 

 

“You two really never left the honeymoon phase,” Kath laughed, seeing the way Phil watched Dan go, stars in his eyes. 

 

“We’re really happy,” Phil’s smile widened. “Whenever I was a kid and thought about getting married and having kids with some girl, it felt like a chore, but I’ve literally made a life with my best friend.” 

 

“That’s exactly how it should be, my dear.” Kath patted his arm knowingly. “I remember when I first met him, that gangly teenager with  _ awful _ hair - not that yours was any better - I saw how you were together and just knew he was your one.”

 

“We weren’t even together then, you know that.” 

 

“Nonsense,” Kath shook her head. “You were together, you just didn't know it yet.” 

 

Phil’s attention returned to Dan, stumbling back outside with five drinks somehow balanced in his grip. He handed the tongs he was using to his mum and hurried over to help his husband, who smiled gratefully and handed over two of the glasses. 

 

“Yours and Cornelia’s,” He explained, and Phil went to deliver his sister-in-law her drink, then returned to Dan. 

 

Ebb and Oscar said their thank yous and then ran off again, seemingly not affected by the heat, which was making everyone else somewhat lethargic. Dan knelt down to Robyn’s height.

 

“Thanks, Daddy,” He took his drink from Dan with two hands and held it to his mouth, taking a big sip. 

 

“You having fun?” Dan asked, ruffling his hair. He nodded furiously, then sighed. 

 

“I’m tired.” 

 

“I would be too, with all that running!” Dan told him, “You can come help Daddy and I with lunch if you want, and you probably need some more sun cream.” Robyn nodded again, then yawned. 

 

“Okay. I’m hungry.” 

 

“I know, sweetheart. It won’t be long - you can be a big boy and carry some things over to the table, then it’ll be ready sooner.” 

 

Phil loved watching Dan with their son - he was so gentle and caring and always did his best to make sure Robyn was having a good time. 

 

They’d adopted him as a two week old baby, and despite all their research and parenting classes, raising a child had been much harder than they could have possibly imagined, but they couldn’t love him more. There had been some really challenging moments, and it was by no means a smooth ride, but here they were, with their gorgeous, kind, considerate, funny, smart son. They were so proud of him, and proud of themselves for raising him with good values. He could be a little pocket rocket sometimes, and once, they’d been called into school to have a chat with his teacher about an ‘incident’ he’d been involved in during his first year at school. 

 

Apparently one of the other kids had heard Robyn talking about ‘Daddy Dan’ and ‘Daddy Phil’, as he referred to them to other people, and started hounding him about his mum. Robyn had politely explained that he had two dads rather than a mum and a dad, but this other kid insisted that wasn't possible and called him a freak, then pushed him to the ground. One of the teachers managed to intercept the altercation, and in storytime that afternoon, read them a book about a little girl with two mums, teaching the class that not all families looked the same. 

 

Robyn hadn't mentioned the incident to his Dads that evening, but the next morning, his teacher filled them in on what had happened, and both of them felt a swell of pride for their son, and how he had dealt with the situation. After school that day, they’d taken him to get ice cream and explained that some people are told certain things about the world which aren't very nice, so he shouldn't be cross with the other boy, but help him to understand. 

 

“I know,” he’d replied, then promptly asked for another scoop of ice cream. 

 

Phil relayed that day in his mind as he watched Dan rub sun cream into Robyn’s arms and then dab a little onto his nose. 

 

“Here we are, Robyn,” Phil passed his son some cutlery when Dan was done and sent him skipping over to the table to set the places, smiling. 

 

The food was ready, but Dan and Phil stood together holding the dishes for a moment before taking them over, looking over their garden. Martyn and Cornelia were sitting their kids down, not an easy feat given their seemingly endless supply of energy; Dan and Phil’s parents were all four sat together, smiling as they conversed, and Robyn was passing out knives and forks. Phil turned to Dan and kissed him on his cheek, then the pair joined their family at the table. 

 

They’d done a good job. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there we have it, the final chapter
> 
> thank you to everyone who has supported this story - your kudos, comments and reads mean the absolute world to me, and i hope you have enjoyed reading this story, as i have loved writing it :)
> 
> also i just made a tumblr so you guys can follow me over there if you like? it’s ahoefordanandphil


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